


I Fall To Pieces

by ashandcas (ashriddle4)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Broken Hearted Cas, Canon-Typical Violence, Claire and Cas Friendship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of it. It will be worth it. I promise, M/M, Mark of Cain, Pining!Cas, reverse crypt scene
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-30
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-03-26 12:05:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3850318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashriddle4/pseuds/ashandcas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a long time coming. Cas is finally ready to tell Dean how he feels, but when Dean doesn't seem to return Cas's feelings, Cas tries to get over him and get on with his life. Of course, that's not as easy as it sounds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Cas stood in the road, his eyes fixed ahead. The cab carrying Claire buzzed off like a honeybee. When the car blurred into the horizon, he walked back over to where Dean and Sam were standing.

“Tell me she’ll be alright,” Cas said, not really waiting for a response. He just cast a thought out into the universe as if that could help.

“Yeah, she’ll be fine,” Sam replied.

Dean, however, said nothing. Cas didn’t expect anything different, but as he breathed out, Cas thought of the last couple days. About the casual touches Dean shared with him. A hand steadied on his shoulder, his waist. Sometimes soft and lingering, sometimes firm. Cas thought about the way his own heart would flutter and drop every time his eyes caught Dean’s for just a little too long.

“Dean, I need to speak with you,” Cas said before he could stop himself.

Dean pivoted his body toward Cas’s. “OK, man. ‘Bout what?”

“Alone.” Cas’s gaze flickered to Sam. “Sam I just-”

Sam awarded him a sheepish smile and a shrug. “No problem, Cas.”

“Uh, alright. Sam get lost," Dean said.

Sam rolled his eyes, stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jacket and walked back toward the motel room.

Nerves made Cas’s mouth dry and the words hard to speak, but he managed. “Dean, how about – let’s get lunch.”

“Why not?” Dean said casually, clapping Cas on the shoulder. “I’m starved.”

 

. . .

 

“You gotta try this barbecue sauce man. There’s whiskey in it. Ingenious.” Dean pushed the tin plate toward Cas though they were already sitting close enough for Cas to reach it. They always sat like this at tables, not directly across from each other, but on perpendicular sides, where there feet and legs could casually touch.

“It all tastes like molecules to me.” Cas couldn’t bear to look directly at Dean. It was always too overwhelming so he kept his eyes on the neon beer sign behind Dean’s head.

Dean licked his lips, cleaning up some stray sauce. “You used to eat? When you were an angel? Sometimes.”

Cas sighed. “I _am_ an angel.”

“You know what I mean, Cas.” Dean chomped on his pulled pork sandwich. “The first time.”

“Once I tasted it as a human…” Cas fiddled with the utensils on the table. “It’s different now.”

Dean looked up and smiled softly, “Now you know what you’re missing.”

“Yes. I believe that’s what it is.” Cas picked up one of Dean’s steak fries and dipped it in the sauce. He stuffed it in his mouth. It tasted like…well, it wasn’t ‘ingenious’. “It’s good,” he lied.

Dean’s eyes lit up. “Told you so.”

Cas paused to gather the courage to say what he came here to say. “Dean?”

“Yup?” he replied with a full mouth.

Cas scratched at the back of his neck. His heart shouldn’t be pounding without his consent, but the thump, thump ,thump was undeniable. “There’s something I, um, wanted to talk to you about.”

Dean looked up at him, his gaze focused intently. “Oh, right. Yeah. Shoot.”

Cas swallowed, wiping his sweaty hands on his black slacks. How did he even start? “There’s been something I’ve been thinking about for awhile. Years really…I’m not quite sure when – it’s confusing. At least since purgatory. Now that I think about it, probably long before that.”

Dean leaned in a little. “Uh, okay?”

 _I can do this._ “At first, I didn’t know what it meant. The things I was feeling and thinking. The way my body reacts to-“

“Cas, what are you trying to say?” Dean straightened up, his eyes wide. He looked, Cas wanted to vomit, he looked afraid.

Cas’s mouth opened and shut. It opened and shut again. This time it opened and these words came out as he looked down at the tabletop, “Nothing, Dean. I think I’m just tired.”

Dean breathed out a long breath that could only be relief. Cas felt it like a kick between his ribs. Then Dean smiled warmly at him. “Oh, uh. OK. Can I get some more of that barbecue sauce over here?” ” Dean called to the waiter happily. 

Maybe he’d misread Dean’s reaction. There were still the touches and the looks, maybe that sigh of breath didn’t mean what Cas feared it did. Still, there were better times and places to tell Dean of his feelings than over cheap barbecue. Cas would bide his time.

 

. . .

 

_Crack….Crack…Crack, Crack, Crack._

Cas hurried down the bunker hallway toward the sound. “Dean? Dean, is that you?” Cas pushed open the door to Dean’s bedroom. He was hunched over by the wall, his left hand gripping his right.

Without looking over at Cas, Dean muttered, “Cas I’m just-“

Cas’s heart skipped. Dark red marred Dean’s skin, and Cas quickly realized what the noise had been. “Dean, your hand.” Cas touched Dean’s skin, feeling it just to feel it and also to register what Dean had hurt by punching the wall. “It’s bleeding and you have…several broken bones.”

Dean slipped his hand away from Cas and tucked it in toward his ribs. “It’s not that bad.”

Cas tilted his head, his voice broken. “Why would you do this?”

“I don’t-“

“Dean.” Fear and worry had a grip on Cas’s lungs. He was glad he didn’t need to breathe because he knew he wouldn’t have been able to.

Dean turned away from Cas. “Because it hurts okay. The mark – it frickin’ burns, man. And you and Sammy won’t let me go out and hunt.”

Cas grabbed his arm, pulled Dean back to face him. “This is exactly why.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Dean nearly shouted. “But what else am I supposed to do to take the edge off, man?”

Cas shook his head. They’d been through the apocalypse together, but this seemed like too much. It _was_ too much. “I don’t – I don’t know, Dean. I don’t want you hurting yourself.”

Dean looked down at his mangled hand, frowning. “This hurts a lot less.”

Cas stepped forward, obeying that pang in his gut that told him to draw nearer to Dean, always nearer. “Please, let me heal it,” he said softly.

Dean swallowed and nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

He didn’t need to touch Dean to heal him. He never had needed to, but he found such comfort in the warmth of Dean’s skin that it had become commonplace. He ran his fingers over Dean’s hand, letting his grace extend to heal. Then, Cas slid his hand up Dean’s arm. Tingles of desire fizzled through Cas. He wanted to lean in and press their mouths together. He wanted to whisper words of love and acceptance into Dean’s skin, pull his clothes off, worship Dean’s naked body with his own. Join with him as one.

“Cas, Cas what are you doing?” Dean’s voice was a hot, whispered breath that made Cas’s dick twitch. This was not the time.

Cas swallowed, trying to get his thoughts anywhere else. “I’m, uh, just checking. The mark. I can feel its power.” He could. A dark, poisonous curse that flowed through Dean’s body. A cancer Cas couldn’t cure.

“How is it?” Dean whispered, a slight tremor to his voice.

“It’s okay, Dean.” Cas lied. What else was there to do? “You’ll be okay.”

Dean just looked up at Cas and held his gaze, flexing his recently healed hand as if to test it out.

Cas’s phone rang. It jolted him from the moment. He slipped the phone out of his pocket and looked down at the screen.

“Who is it?” Dean asked.

“Claire.”

“You should take it,” Dean said with a smile. Cas wanted to talk to Claire, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to leave Dean. Dean would insist on him going at some point either way so Cas stepped into the hallway then and answered his phone.

“Hey, Claire. How are you?” he said.

“Hey, Cas. Not bad. Jody’s pretty cool.”

“She is.” He was happy she seemed okay. “How’re you?”

Cas paused. “I’m fine.”

Claire snorted. “Liar.”

“ _I_ am, Claire.”

He could hear her sigh. “But Dean isn’t?”

Cas leaned against the wall. “This isn’t your burden.”

“You’ll save him, Cas. You will. I mean, you saved the world, right?”

“Dean and Sam saved the world,” Cas corrected. Cas had doomed it many times though

“That’s not how Dean tells the story,” Claire said. Happiness bloomed in his chest. Was that really how Dean saw him? Either way, Cas couldn’t deal with this right now.

“Can we talk about you, Claire?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, sure. Um… Jody’s helping me work on my GED.”

Cas smiled. “That’s great, Claire.”

 

. . .

 

“Dean, stop.” Cas took another punch to the face from the same hand Cas had healed just a week ago. “Please. Dean.” A supernaturally powerful fist crushed into Cas’s nose, breaking it. Whatever this was, he couldn’t just heal from it.

“Shut up,” Dean snarled, slamming him against a tractor.

Cas crumpled down to the barn floor. “This isn’t you.” Dean kicked him in the ribs with his steel-toed boot, breaking the bones. “You don’t want to do this,” Cas whimpered. It was all he had energy for.

“I can’t.” Dean spat, lifting Cas up by the collar just to punch him hard enough his head snapped back against the tractor again. “I can’t fight it anymore.” Another punch. “You make me want to fucking fight it.”

Dean’s body had Cas bracketed against the tractor, fear, more for Dean than himself, screamed inside him. Dean lifted the first blade to Cas’s throat. One tear escaped Cas’s eye. “Dean, no. It’s me.” His voice trembled.

“I know who you are.” Dean put pressure on Cas’s neck with the blade, but didn’t let it sink in. At least not yet. “I know.”

This was Cas’s last chance. His only chance, and he had to say it. These had to be his last words.

“Dean, I – I love you. I’m in love with you.”

The pressure on his neck lessened and the blade lowered down just enough. Dean’s brow furrowed and Cas surged forward, meeting Dean in a hard, desperate kiss. At first, Dean stayed a firm wall against Cas, but then the blade clattered to the floor and Dean’s hands grasped Cas’s face and pulled him in tighter. Years of waiting and wanting shattered into nothing.

Cas was being torn apart at the seams just to be stitched back together, with Dean’s mouth, breath and the taste of his tongue. This kiss was far beyond anything Cas could’ve imagined. He could feel the very power of creation in their coming together. Like the world had been spinning and spinning and spinning just so it could all come to a halt for this one, shining moment.

Suddenly, Dean’s hands dropped away and their mouths slid apart without finesse. When Cas opened his eyes, he screamed. Sam stood Dean’s slumped body, holding a bloody angel blade.

“Sam, no!” Cas fell to his knees, scrambling over to hold Dean in his arms. What had Sam done? Why? Cas stroked back his hair. “Dean, Dean, please.” Sam tore Dean from Cas’s arms. “Why? Sam!” Cas reached out uselessly for Dean. He was still too injured.

Sam tossed his brother aside and came at Cas with the bloody angel blade. He slit Cas’s throat, releasing Cas’s grace, and began reciting in Enochian. Blurry eyed and bleeding out from his neck, a human Cas watched his grace swirl down into the mark, enter Dean and glow through his whole body. It healed the wound in his chest and the mark melted away, leaving in its place another mark. A handprint. Still, Dean did not open his eyes.

“Come on, Dean. Come on.” Sam laid a hand on his chest.

Cas blinked a few times as he slumped over flat on the ground. Dean sat up, gasping for air. His gaze went to his brother. “Sammy?” Then quickly turned to Cas. Dean crawled toward him. “Cas? Cas!” Dean lifted Cas’s head into his lap. Cas was dying. He knew that, but it was as good as any way to die. In the arms of the man he loved.

“What did you do?”

“It didn’t kill him when Metatron did it,” Sam said, looking panicked.

 _It’s okay, Sam. I forgive you,_ Cas wanted to say but couldn’t.

“Yeah because there was somebody to heal the wound,” Dean spat. Dean was right, but it was okay. Everything was okay nw.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” Sam was on his knees, head hanging low.

“Come on, Cas. Come on.” Dean touched the bleeding gash on Cas’s neck and a little bit of blue trickled from his fingertips knitted the wound back together and warmed through Cas’s body, healing every bruised and broken part.

Cas looked up at Dean and whispered his name. With the energy he had left, Cas reached out for the handprint. “The Mark is gone.”

Dean smiled. “Yeah, yeah. Cas, it is.”

 

. . .

 

“Hello Dean.” Cas slipped into Dean’s bedroom and shut the door. Cas had taken off both his coats and rolled up his white sleeves. As a human, he felt more comfortable this way. “How are you feeling?” he asked, his lips in a small smile just for Dean.

“The Mark’s cured.” Dean ran a hand through his hair. “I’m feeling. Like I want to sleep for two years.” He laughed quietly. “It seems like a really good dream.”

“This is real, Dean.” Cas closed more of the distance between them. He touched Dean’s cheekbone with his thumb and laid his other hand on Dean’s hip. “I’m really glad you’re okay,” he whispered and leaned in, wanting to feel Dean’s mouth again.

Dean practically jumped away from him. “Cas, what’re you doing?” His voice cracked.

Cas tilted his head. “Dean?”

Dean sat down on the edge of his bed, covered his face with his hands for a moment then looked down at his shoes. “Look we need to talk.”

“Yes?”

Dean let out a shaky breath through pursed lips. “What you said when I was…I’m so sorry I hurt you, Cas. I really am, man.”

_Oh, he thinks I’m mad at him – or he’s mad at himself for hurting me. I just need to let him know that it’s okay. That’s all._

Cas laid a hand on Dean’s shoulder close to his neck and said softly, “It’s okay, Dean. It wasn’t really you. I know that.”

Dean stood up from the bed and moved across the bedroom. “I need you to know you’re my best friend and I love having you around, but the other stuff- I just-“

Cas furrowed his brow. A million thoughts trampled through his head like stampeding buffalo. “Dean, what are you saying?”

Dean stiffened and looked directly at Cas. His voice was firm. “We can’t be more than friends.”

Cas was losing his balance, his grip, the room was swirling around him. He gripped the wall for support.

“I- I don’t understand. You kissed me back. I thought-“

Dean didn’t let Cas finish. He kept his voice firm and final. “Look, I should’ve seen the signs sooner. Should’ve realized what was going on, how you were feeling, and put a stop to it before it went too far. I didn’t and that’s my fault.”

 _No, no, no, no, no._ None of this was happening. It couldn’t be true. Cas had felt, how could Cas have felt what he did and not had those feelings returned? At first, he hadn’t thought much about it, but no, recently, Cas had become so sure, so damn sure, that Dean felt the same way. And after that kiss?

He couldn’t do this. Couldn’t feel his hands or feet. His knees went wobbly, and he fell down on the edge of Dean’s bed.

“Cas, Cas are you alright?” Dean was at his side. Cas hadn’t seen him move there. “You look pale.

“Dean, I feel very sick.” He licked the roof of his mouth, his stomach spinning. He’d felt like this once when he was a human before and contracted the stomach flu. He was shaking.

“Cas,” Dean said softly and touched his upper arm.

Cas let out one shotgun sob then shook his head. “Please. _Please_ don’t touch me.”

Dean backed away, and Cas bolted out of the room, leaving his entire universe, everything he dreamed of and wanted, his whole future, to crumble into nothing behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally supposed to be 2 chapters but it's probably going to be more like 5 just for better structure. Anyway, let me know what you think of this chapter!

Cas left his overcoat hanging over one of the chairs in the kitchen. He wasn’t about to go back and get it. There was a distinct possibly that he would never go back to the bunker.

Cas drove two miles down the road, pulled over and threw up in a bush. He collected himself and climbed back in his Lincoln. Dean ( _oh God, Dean_ ) had given him Claire’s address after she went to Jody’s so he could send her anything she needed. Cas put the address into the Maps app on his phone.

 _Dean paid for this phone_ , Cas suddenly thought. Cas was on his and Sam’s ‘family plan’. That was suddenly so embarrassing Cas wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere. But he wanted to see Claire first, so he’d leave crawling in a hole for later.

He let the robotic voice lead him out of Kansas and away from Dean.

. . .

Jody stood in the doorframe, dressed in her sheriff’s uniform, staring at Cas with blinking, confused eyes. He probably should’ve have called to let her or Claire know he was coming, but Cas hadn’t stopped to think.

“Castiel?”

He smiled. “Yes, it’s…me. Hello Jody. May I come in?”

“Of course.” She smiled softly and opened the door wider for him. He stepped inside. Jody gestured for him to follow her so he did, all the way into the kitchen. She poured him a mug full of coffee. “You look exhausted.”

Cas smiled and took it. “I am. I’m human now. My grace cured the Mark of Cain. I drove all night.” None of these things sounded like they went together out of context, but he couldn’t think straight at the moment.

“Why?” She sipped her own coffee, eyes intent on him. “Why aren’t you at the bunker?”

Cas’s stomach churned at the word ‘bunker’. The Promised Land he’d never really been allowed to enter. “I can’t stay there.”

“Cas? What are you doing here?” It was Claire’s familiar voice behind him. He turned to see her standing in the kitchen doorway wearing pajama pants and an oversized sweater. He wasn’t sure he’d ever been so happy to see another person.

“Claire.” He set down his coffee and tackled her in a hug. She froze up for a moment but then hugged back. A moment later she pulled away and looked up at him in concern.

“What’s wrong?”

Cas couldn’t talk about it so he ignored her inquiry. “How are you? How’s your GED going?”

She narrowed her eyes. “Fine, I guess. I have the test next week.” She would not be deterred.” What’s going on? You seem different.”

“I’m human.” That seemed the easiest way to answer that question. “Jody, do you mind if I stay here for awhile? I don’t want to impose-“

“Stay as long as you like, Cas. I’m making a pot of chowder for lunch and a I’ve got a closet full of linens for the couch.” Tough yet kind. He could tell Jody was the kind of person he’d like.

“Thank you,” Cas said kindly. He honestly couldn’t be more grateful.

Jody looked at both Cas and Claire then left them in the kitchen alone.

“You’re human?” Claire asked. “How? Is Dean? Is he okay? The Mark didn’t…he’s alive, right?” That made sense. She probably thought Cas seemed so upset because Dean was gone. Cas sighed. No matter what else was true at least Dean was safe and alive.

Cas nodded. “He is. He’s cured. My grace.”

“That’s – that’s awesome, except for your grace, I mean.” Claire furrowed her brow. “Wait, then why are you here?”

Cas huffed. “It’s difficult to explain.”

“Try me.”

He scratched his head, searching for how to explain this, a part of him afraid she’d laugh at him for how he’d felt. Laugh at him for thinking Dean could’ve ever wanted him back. It did seem stupid now when he thought about it.

“Have you ever been in love?” Cas blurted then shook his head, mumbling. “No, you’re probably too young for that-”

Claire’s eyes widened and then her whole countenance softened, “Oh no,” she breathed. “Always thought you might, I always thought _he_ might.”

Cas’s stomach burned and his cheeks ached again. “He doesn’t.”

“Oh. Oh shit.”

“Yes.” There didn’t seem to be another response. “Do you mind that I’m here?”

Claire shook her head. “No, Cas. I don’t mind.”

 

. . .

 

That night, Cas laid on the couch, unable to sleep, bleary eyed and watching late-night infomercials. He kept having passing seconds where he’d forget what had happened with Dean, passing seconds where it seemed like he could just send him a bee emoji like everything was normal. He hated those moments because, when he remembered, the pain came back full force. It was everything he could do to stop himself from vomiting again.

Cas’s phone buzzed on Jody’s coffee table for the fourth time. Same as always. Sam. Cas couldn’t bring himself to answer it. He let it go to voicemail again and a few moments, later he received his third message. Cas just ignored it, even though he really wanted to answer, wanted to hear his friend’s voice. There had been a moment back at the bunker where he’d almost turned to run to Sam’s room instead of leaving, but it was just a moment, and he decided to go.

Next, he received a text message from Sam. Cas looked down at the phone enough to see the message,

_Please just answer. Let me know you’re alive. I’m worried about you. Please, Cas._

The phone rang again, and he couldn’t ignore Sam any longer. It wasn’t fair to worry him. Cas picked up the call but couldn’t bring himself to speak.

“Cas?” came Sam’s shaky voice. It pulled a small smile onto Cas’s lips.

“I’m alive, Sam,” Cas whispered.

Sam sighed. “That’s good. Look, Cas-“

“Did Dean tell you?” Cas wasn’t sure if he wanted Sam to know or not. Maybe Sam and Dean laughed at Cas behind his back. He fought the urge to hang up. He’d never known Sam to be cruel in that way. He’d trust him.

“He didn’t want you to leave,” Sam said sadly. He _, Dean,_ didn’t want Cas to leave. Dean had said he cared for Cas as friend, so maybe he wouldn’t really want Cas to leave, but truthfully, Cas didn’t leave for Dean, he left for himself.

“I had to.”

Sam paused then replied, “I get it…where are you?”

“At Jody’s with Claire.”

“I’m glad you’re somewhere safe.”

“Sam?”

“Yeah, Cas?”

Cas took a deep breath then said, “You’ll watch over him for me.”

“Of course…hey, Cas for what it’s worth. I think Dean’s an idiot.”

Neither one of them had ever or would ever tell Dean what happened when Sam and Cas first saw each other after Dean died, after Dean disappeared, and Cas had hurried to the bunker. The minute Cas arrived, Sam had ran Cas straight into his arms. Cas had held Sam while he cried, until he fell asleep with his head between Cas’s arm and chest. They’d woken up in Dean’s bed tangled together like that.

“ _Sam_ ,” Cas whispered, feeling something tight between his ribs.

“Maybe, maybe someday you two can be normal again…maybe someday you can come home.”

A part of Cas wanted to get in the car right now and go back. Maybe he could slip in without Dean noticing, go to Sam’s room, and maybe Sam would hold him like Cas once held Sam. But he couldn’t, he just couldn’t…

“…maybe. Good night, Sam.”

He could almost hear Sam smile. “Night, Cas.”

 

. . .

 

Cas was lying on the couch, his head on the arm rest, watching some show where a judge deliberated on things that people certainly should have just worked out between themselves. He’d also seen a commercial for something called “Life Alert” so many times he had it memorized and had begun to wonder if he needed one. Did Claire? What if she fell and couldn’t get back up?

The TV clicked off and Cas blinked a few times before he noticed that Claire and the other teenage girl staying here, Alex, were standing in front of him with a pint of ice cream, a tablet open to something called “Spotify” and a box of tissue.

“What’s this?” he muttered. “What’s happening?”

“A breakup kit,” Claire said.

Cas pressed his face into the armrest of the couch. His voice was muffled. “I didn’t…breakup. Dean and I were never-“

“It doesn’t matter,” Alex said. Claire started dragging him to a sitting position. “It works the same way for unrequited feelings.”

Cas rubbed his face as Claire let him go. “I think I’m going to vomit again.”

“No, Cas,” Claire said firmly. “The time for puking has ended. The time for Chunky Monkey and Patsy Cline has begun.”

Cas wasn’t sure he understood half of those words. He looked over at the open box of Kleenex.

“What are the tissues for? I’m not sick with the cold or flu.”

Claire and Alex sat down on either side of him, like teenage bookends.

“Cas, have you cried yet?” Claire asked.

He furrowed his brow. “No. I…I mostly vomit.”

Alex snorted. “Yeah and as lovely as that is – it’s probably because you’re not crying.”

Cas _was_ tired of vomiting. He could tell his body had lost a lot of weight recently. “And tears will help?”

“Yes, they’re like cathartic,” Claire said. “Releasing pent up emotions.”

“You’ve got to get through it. It’s like the Circle of Life. Hakuna Matata and shit,” Alex added.

Cas scratched his head. “What does this have to do with animated lions?”

“Just trust us.” Claire opened the tub of ice cream and handed it to Cas with a spoon. “We’ve been human a lot longer than you. Now eat your damn ice cream.”

Alex fussed with the tablet as Cas scooped out a bite of the ice cream. Soft and sad music started playing from the tablet’s speakers.

 _“I fall to pieces_  
Each time I see you again  
I fall to pieces  
How can I be just your friend?”

For the first time since Dean turned him down, honestly for the first time since Dean died, Cas let himself cry.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's gonna be a bit of Cas/OMC in this, but it's really all about Cas's journey to find himself and how it all leads him and Dean back together. Hope you don't mind too much.

At about 8:30 am, Claire slid into Jody’s kitchen in lime-green socks. “Cas, I have some news.”

Cas, who was sitting at Jody’s breakfast table, swallowed the bite of Captain Crunch that was in his mouth. He wiped some excess milk away with the back of his hand. “Yes, what is it?”

Alex had came in behind Claire, heading straight for the coffee pot, like she did every morning. “She’s pregnant.”

Cas shot to his feet, nearly knocking over the table. “WHAT?”

Claire grabbed the other side of the table to balance it out. “Alex, shut up. I’m not pregnant.”

Cas let out a breath, his heart rate slowing. He looked seriously at Claire, wanting to be supportive. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.” Claire turned her attention to Alex who was sitting on the kitchen counter, “You really derailed the positivity of this conversation, Alex.” Claire turned back toward Cas. “I passed my GED.”

He smiled. That was good news. He needed good news. “I’m very proud of you, Claire.”

“Thanks.” She looked away and shrugged, but then perked back up. “You should take me out for a celebratory drink tonight.”

He didn’t know much about this being responsible for teenagers thing, but this he knew. Cas shook his head. “You’re underage.”

“Fine,” she pulled her own coffee mug out of the cabinet, “Can we go out for pizza tonight instead?”

Cas nodded, trying not to smile again. He liked the growing relationship he had with Claire; it gave him comfort and security. He could only hope it provided the same for her. “Pizza is acceptable.”

 

. . .

 

Jody had to work, but around 6:00 pm, Cas loaded Alex and Claire into his Lincoln and they drove the ten minutes to Zippy’s Pizza. It was kind of run-down, had yellowish windows and a jukebox with six songs that still worked on it. But it also had excellent pepperoni and sausage pizza so the rest didn’t seem to matter.

Something he’d learned about girls is that they always went to the restroom together. So Cas was sitting alone in the booth, sipping his root beer silently and waiting for them to return. As Claire and Alex walked back toward the table from the bathroom, Claire said, “Did you see that guy?” to Alex, who whispered something back that Cas couldn’t quite hear. They slid into the booth across from him.

“What guy?” Cas asked, concerned. “Is somebody bothering you?” If Claire needed help or protection from some unscrupulous man, then Cas was there for her.

Claire said, “No, _jeez_ , Cas, but I think he wants to bother _you_.”

Alex snorted into her root beer.

“Why would he want to bother-“

Alex, who Cas did like, but who didn’t have much patience for Cas’s inability to always get what was happening, said, “He’s checking you out.”

Cas straightened up, his eyes wide. “No, he's not...really? Why would he do that?”

Claire strained across the table to punch Cas in the upper arm. He was beginning to realize that was a sign of friendship. “Go over there and talk to him."

Blood drained from Cas's face. “What? No. I can’t-“

“He could be your rebound. You know, your first step in getting over Dean,” Claire said. Alex slurped her root beer and nodded in agreement.

“I thought that’s what the ice cream was for.”

“Fine,” Claire sighed. “It’s step two.”

Cas stood up from the table with Alex and Claire egging him on. He could not believe he was going to do this. He couldn’t believe he may, in an odd sort of way, want to do this. He really was an attractive man by all accounts. He had brown hair like Cas’s, but it was wavy instead of straight. He had golden brown eyes, chapped lips and rather large, rather nice hands.

This was not a good idea. He thought to turn around and retreat back to his own table when a low voice stopped him, "Can I help you?"

The man smiled, eyes focused on Cas. Cas swallowed. _Is it hot in here? It feels hot._

Not only was this not a good idea, this was the worst idea. Cas couldn’t breathe, but somehow he managed. “Uh, hello.”

“Hi,” the man repeated. “I’m Eric.”

 “Cas.” Cas’s mouth was dry. He must not have drunk enough root beer. He needed about 70 more gallons. They probably didn't stock that much root beer at Zippy's Pizza.

Eric pulled out the chair beside his slightly. “Can I buy you a slice?” he asked.

Cas knew Eric wanted him to sit down so they could talk. Maybe they could brush knees under the table or fingers, maybe they could do more than that…Cas wasn’t ready for that, or anything like it. Not tonight. “I’ve already eaten probably more than was advisable.”

Eric nodded then scribbled something on a napkin and handed it to Cas. “Well, Cas, here’s my number for the next time you get hungry.”

“Um, thank you?”

“Yeah, hope to hear from you.” Eric smiled, something deep, dark, in his eyes that made Cas feel a little fuzzy. Still he managed to smile back as he took the napkin. He was out of the pizza place before he realized he’d left Alex and Claire there.

Only moments later, Alex and Claire were out the door and rushing after him into the dark parking lot.

“Thanks for ditching us,” Alex shouted out to him. Yes, Cas felt pretty bad about that. 

Claire just gave her look and then focused on Cas, “So, what happened?”

Looking down at the hand still clutching the napkin, Cas said, “He gave me his number.”

Alex nodded like she may have been impressed. That made Cas feel kind of good because Alex was never impressed. “You gonna call him?” she asked.

“I’m not sure.” He really wasn't sure of anything.

. . .

Over a week passed and, though Cas kept the number, he did not call Eric. Cas wasn’t certain he ever would.

Cas was sitting on the couch watching reruns of a sitcom that’s name he didn’t know when Jody sat down beside him.

“So, Cas, I’ve been talking to Claire.”

“About what?”

“She said some guy gave you his number.”

Cas shrugged, feeling suddenly embarrassed. The less people who knew about this the better. “Yeah, a, uh, guy at Zippy’s Pizza.”

Jody turned her head slightly. “Zippy’s Pizza?”

“Yes, why?”

Jody settled back in the couch. “Huh.”

“What?”

“His name Eric?”

He hadn’t even said the man’s name to Claire, how did Jody know? “Yes, it is. But how-“

“Eric Hall is the new fire chief. We work together a bit, and he kept checking his phone through this meeting and when I asked him about it afterward, he told me he’d met this good-looking guy at Zippy’s Pizza and he was hoping that guy would call him back.”

Cas felt himself blush. “That’s…really?”

“I know it’s been rough going for you kid, but Eric’s a good guy. If you’re ever thinking that you might want, you know a date, or something. He’d be the guy you should call back.” Jody squeezed Cas’s knee. “Think about it, buddy.” Jody stood up. “Oh and I’m making chicken and dumplings for dinner. Some come hungry.:

. . .

“That was really delicious,” Cas said, carrying his empty bowl over to the sink. “Thank you.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Jody,” Claire said. “So can Alex and I go out?”

“Where?” Jody asked.

“I don’t know. A movie.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she said with a laugh. “Just stay out of trouble.”

The girls whispered something to each other and then hurried out of the kitchen, leaving Jody and Cas alone in the dim light.

“I’ve been thinking, Jody. I think I’d like to stay in Sioux Falls.”

Jody rinsed off one of the dinner bowls and put in the dishwasher. “Of course you’re staying. I want you to. We all do.”

Cas smiled, a little sadly. When he’d imagined a home as a human, he’d imagined it in Lebanon at the bunker or just on the road, dumpy motel to dumpy motel. Somewhere, anywhere, a hole in the ground, as long as it was a hole in the ground with Dean. He hadn’t imagined a place like this. He hadn’t pictured it, but he liked it.

“The thing is – I need to find a job. I’m not sure what I’m qualified to do. The only position I could get before was a job at the Gas-N-Sip. I’d be happy to work there again, only I kind of left without giving my boss any notice…I’m not sure she’d recommend me.”

“Cas, Cas, just slow down. We need a new office assistant down at the Sheriff’s Office. You’d answer phones, make coffee, do some filing. Think you could handle that? It's been open for awhile but I wanted to wait until I knew you were ready, didn't want to push you."

Relief washed over Cas. He wanted to be useful and learn useful skills he’d need in being human. “Yes. Thank you, Jody! I really appreciate it.”

Before Jody could reply, the house phone rang.

“Cas, can you get that for me?” Jody asked.

Cas just nodded and then hurried around the corner to pick the phone up off the counter.

“Hello,” he said.

“Oh, shit. Uh, um, hey…Cas."

Cas would know that voice anywhere. Dean. _Oh, it’s Dean. I’m going to make an absolute fool_ _of myself again._ The urge to vomit came back full force. He gripped the wall for stability.

“Would you like to speak with Jody?” Cas said as formally as he could. _Just breathe, Cas. Everything is fine._

“Yeah, but I mean, I could talk to you first. How ya doin’?”

“I’m all right, Dean. How are you?”

“Same old, same old, I guess. Hunted a wendigo last week. Sam and I were thinking it’s been a decade since we’d seen one last. So it was pretty cool.”

“Wendigos are quite rare.” _Wendigos are rare? That’s the best you can do, Castiel. You're embarrassing.  
_

There was a moment of awkward silence then Dean said, “So what are you up to?”

“Spending some time with Claire…I got a uh job with Jody at the Sheriff’s office…and I have a um date next week.” _I have a date? I don’t have a date._

An even longer moment of awkward silence. “So, uh, she hot?”

“He.”

Cas thought he heard Dean swallow, but he couldn’t be certain. “Oh, uh, right.”

“Did you still want to talk to Jody?” Cas needed out of this conversation before he self-detonated.

“Yeah, but, um, man. I just wanted to say that I’m, I’m sorry.”

Cas had to hold his whole arm against the wall just to keep standing. “Please don’t apologize.”

“It’s just shitty, Cas. You were my best friend, and now I can’t even talk to you.”

Cas’s stomach nearly somersaulted out of his mouth at the word “were”. It wasn’t inaccurate. They weren’t best friends anymore.

“Dean.”

“Just, um, don’t worry about it. Have fun on your date, okay?”

Cas just shook his head. He could not stand there and talk with Dean about going on a date with another man. He could hardly bear how easy it seemed for Dean to take that information. He seemed happy for Cas and it made Cas wanted to punch a hole in Jody's living room wall.

“I’m gonna give the phone to Jody now Dean.

“Yeah, okay.”

Cas didn’t reply again. He simply walked over to Jody who was just finishing the dishes and held out the phone.

“Dean,” he said to her and then walked away.

Heart hammering in his ears, Cas walked dazedly over to the couch. He dug into his duffle bag (that, yes, Dean had given him) and pulled out Eric’s phone number. He dialed it on his cell and held his breath until he heard,

“Hello?”

“Yes, hello. We met a Zippy’s Pizza last week. You gave me your number.”

“You’re Cas?”

“Yes, and I thought that maybe you’d like to go out on a date with me.”

The man laughed and Cas tensed. Was this all some sort of joke? Was it that funny of an idea that he would go out with Cas? Why did this keep happening to him? Was he that awful? Probably...

“I’m sorry, I’ll uh, hang up-“

“No! Wait, no. Please. I’m sorry. Yes. I’d definitely like to go out with you. This is short notice, but could you do tomorrow night?”

“Tomorrow night. Yes, that sounds good.”

Cas and Eric exchanged a few more words, including when Eric would pick up Cas and where to pick him up. After that, they hung up and Cas collapsed back against the couch.

A date? An actual date with a man, a normal human man? This could go very badly. Then again, not as badly as it went with Dean. So there was that.

**Author's Note:**

> At this point, in canon, I think Dean would probably be ready to admit his feelings for Cas, but I'm imagining what Cas would go through if he was ready and Dean might never be...


End file.
